Musings of a Teenage Philosopher (sort of)

In an Instant: Part 1

2012-01-25T01:39:00.000-05:00

She meant everything to me – she, who thought her life was worth nothing. Though she’d thrown that life away, she gave me life, every day. I lived for her. One day I hoped she would have the strength to live for herself, living just to be alive – but for now, I took selfish pleasure in knowing that she lived for me.

A rustle of sheets; Lacey rolled over and gazed toward the corner of the room with bleary eyes. “Lee?” she asked hoarsely, anxiously.

A low chuckle escaped my throat. “Wrong corner, Lace,” I said huskily. Perched in a stuffed chair, near the door, I watched her sleep, wary of the sudden attacks of terror her nightmares often produced.

Instead of shifting her line of sight, Lacey closed her eyes, sighed contentedly, and settled back against her pillows. “Thank you,” she murmured. Minutes later, the comforting sound of her snores filled my attentive ears.

At her bedside, the clock blinked red numbers, reading 3:42. So far tonight, she’d stirred only twice. A better night than most. If this kept up, I might be able to crash down the hall, just check up on her every few hours. Let her sleep on her own, like a big girl. She was twenty-one, after all.

Ours was an unusual situation. Few people would think of this if they heard we were living together. It wasn’t like that with us. We maintained a practically platonic relationship. I stayed in her apartment because I was afraid to leave her alone.

Six months had passed now since her last attempt; four since her latest major episode. The most recent occasion, she’d used pills; she was clinging to life, fighting the depression that threatened to overwhelm her. Lacey was mine now; she belonged to me, not the monster. I wouldn’t lose her. Not now, not after coming so far.

Lacey was my life now.

***

When I first met Lacey, I worked as a volunteer in the local hospital’s ER. At the time, I dreamed of graduating med school and working as a brain surgeon or something, but I had one big problem: I was in possession of a very weak stomach.

So, being a typical undergrad genius, I decided the best way to confront this dilemma would be spending my free hours in the emergency room, where I’d be exposed to the nastiest, most gut-wrenching gore the world had to offer.

Surprisingly, the plan worked. Sort of. After the first couple weeks, I didn’t even faint anymore. Most of my assignments from my supervisor, who recognized my stupidity and took pity on me, consisted of sniffles and broken bones and panicked moms. Without a diploma, there wasn’t much I could do aside from asking questions and filling out reports. Pretty exciting, huh?

But there were times something drastic shattered the doldrums. Just because I couldn’t treat people, didn’t mean I didn’t see stuff. Lots of times when we got a really interesting case, I hung around to watch. Sometimes the EMTs even let me jam an IV needle into someone’s arm, provided someone fixed me with the hairy eyeball the whole time.

When they brought Lacey in, at first I thought we had another motorcycle accident on our hands. We got lots of those, reckless teenagers who insisted on ditching the helmet or riding in awful weather. Or maybe she’d been in a car accident, drunk driving with no seatbelt. Something like that, something crazy, because this chick looked bad.

And hey, I always had a thing for the crazy ones. Every girl I’d ever dated was nuts. Maybe there was something wrong with me, too, because how many normal guys stared at a dying girl on a stretcher and started thinking, Wow, she’s hot?

The EMTs wheeled her toward surgery like they were running from a fire licking at their heels, all the while barking vitals and instructions at each other and the nurses, surgeons, pretty much whoever’d listen. Which included me. I jogged alongside to keep up, inexplicably intrigued by the victim. Her eyelids fluttered open and closed, rolled back in her head to leave only the whites visible. She howled in obvious agony, some kind of fever burning up whatever painkiller they’d shot into her. I found myself fervently wishing them luck with the anesthesia.

Suddenly, her broken body ceased thrashing – where the docs scrounged up a sedative that strong, I didn’t care to imagine. For one lucid moment, her gaze locked with mine. She looked scared, desperate. And pissed.

Only later did I learn she was disappointed, angry even, to still be alive.

Voices

2012-01-22T23:49:00.001-05:00

I remember, sometime after Poppop died, I wanted to call him. To listen to his voice, just on his voicemail message, and hear him one more time. I dreaded forgetting what he sounded like. My cousin had a voicemail from him, congratulating her on something or other, and every once in a while, when she missed him, she would pull out her phone and listen to it. I didn't have that. I've never really been one for saving messages (although I do, rarely), and I never thought to take a video just of Poppop talking. So I would sit there, phone in my hand, with his number highlighted; but I would never make the call. I just couldn't bear to do it. As much as I longed to hear his voice, I was scared of what that might do to me.

Eventually, maybe a couple months later, I deleted his number from my contacts.

I still miss hearing his voice.

Girl Covered in Feathers, Blogging

2012-01-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

Why am I covered in feathers? I've been wearing my down-filled coat that I got for Christmas! It's so warm, but the only downside is that it sheds feathers. It's finally snowing here at Messiah College, and for that, I am grateful! I'd LIKE to say I've spent the weekend traying, but sadly, the cafeteria staff has removed all the trays to the back room so we sled-less college students won't break them. Such a shame. :( My roommate Kaitlyn and I ran across two that had been "parked" in the bike rack, though! Still, we're too busy to go sledding today. I, for one, am exhausted, because we were up until nearly 4AM watching Literal Trailers and other Youtube videos as well as the first season of BBC's Sherlock. After only five hours of sleep, Kaitlyn and I actually managed to get up for church this morning.

This morning was the first time I've been to church proper in a while (last week I slept in and watched a sermon online), and it was so wonderful. I'd forgotten how much fun it was to worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ! Lots of joy in that building this morning. Today is also Sanctity of Life Sunday, which is amazing. I love to celebrate the lives of the unborn! Tomorrow is the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision, and it is also the March for Life in Washington, D.C. Up until last week, I was planning to go (after all, I am co-vice president of my campus's Pro-Life Club) and I was really jazzed about it; unfortunately, it looks like that's just not going to happen. I'm taking a communications class for J-term, and missing one class is equivalent to missing a week of a semester-long class. Also, I've got a group project due the day after, and it really wouldn't be fair to my group to skip out on our last day to prepare. Our topic? Why ninjas are better than pirates!

I really want a nap... but first, I need to work on this pirates-vs.-ninjas project; and then I need to do my laundry. And call my sister to ask about her college music program audition! (Which reminds me - my little cousin Kierstin called me today! Apparently all morning she kept saying to my aunt, "I call Rachel!" When she got to my grandmother's house, she thought I was going to be there, so she repeatedly asked, "Where Rachel?" and when she realized I wasn't there, she insisted upon calling me. Once she actually got on the phone, though, she was too shy to really talk. Still, too cute!)

Anyway... this has been an update on my life. Hope y'all are doing well and enjoying the snow (if you have any)!

The Hunger Games

2012-01-20T00:58:00.000-05:00

The countdown has begun. The movie comes out March 23. I, personally, cannot wait. I and the rest of the THG fandom have been waiting a long time for this.

I remember the day I walked into the bookstores and saw a big stack of black books with a gold bird-looking symbol on the front cover. It looked interesting, so I picked it up. Reading the inside jacket, the story seemed intriguing; yet for some reason, I put it back down and moved on. Still, I came back to that same bookstore (a discount bookstore, for books that were just wouldn't sell, mostly, or were damaged - the sort of place where you walked out with a stack of hardbacks having spent only $20), and that stack of books was still there. This time, I couldn't bear to leave the store without it. I read the book with a voracious appetite and promptly returned to pick up Catching Fire. Sometime after I'd read both books for the fourth or fifth time, I noticed people around school reading the series. Mockingjay was coming out soon, and in my school at least, THG had just finally started to catch on. In a way, I was sad, because this series had been sort of mine for a little while, in a sense. Not too many people that I talked to had even heard of it, which is kind of weird, because it's not like I got into it REALLY early like some people. Just before people I knew, I guess. But at the same time, I was THRILLED to finally have people to obsess over the books with!

That, in part, is what makes me so excited about the movie. Yeah, I'm sure they'll screw up some parts, and I'll leave both angry and secretly pleased. And I'll rant about the inaccuracies for a while; but I'll also relentlessly fangirl over every scene. And what's cool is that I'll have more people than ever to share that with! More people than ever are going to be into THG now, and that's awesome. I'll have lots of people to discuss its literary and fandom merits and why Toast [Katniss (The Girl Who Was on Fire) + Peeta (The Boy With the Bread) = Toast!] is the best ship in the series and why I felt the need to go through my copy of the first book with a pencil and analyze it AP-style. Old fans and new fans alike, welcome to The Hunger Games!

Church for the Sleepy

2012-01-15T15:11:00.000-05:00

Given that both of my roommates are away this weekend, I've been taking to opportunity to sleep and generally be a lazy bum. That being said, I decided not to actually get up and go to church this morning, but rather to watch a video I'd found earlier this week and didn't seem to have the patience to sit down and watch. It's a sermon by someone my age about how God releases us from shame. I'll warn you, it's long - a little over 30 minutes - but it's totally worth watching, especially if you've been running from something in your past. We are free indeed!

Psalm 37:4

2012-01-15T02:21:00.000-05:00

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Isn't that awesome? Our God loves us so much that all he desires is for us to fall totally and completely in love with him. That's how much he loves us. And when we do, he takes such good care of us that we will have everything we could ever need or ask for. A true relationship with the Lord is all about joy and fulfillment. And the best thing? God created us all with those basic needs, so we would always have to go running to him to be filled. We are so loved!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

2012-01-10T17:04:00.000-05:00

Now, I will be the first to say that I did not grow up in a particularly traditional church environment. Well, not recently, anyway. The church I went to when I was little was somewhat more, well, old-fashioned, at least in the sense that we followed church-y traditions and met in a building and sang some occasional hymns. The church I go to now is very contemporary: we meet in a school (which I love; it feels so much less stuffy); we sing Chris Tomlin-type songs; people raise their hands during worship - stuff like that. So, hymns? Not exactly a part of my church upbringing. However, my grandparents are HUGE hymn fans, and one of Poppop's favorites was "Great Is Thy Faithfulness." It's been stuck in my head all day. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, the chorus goes something like this (keep in mind that, again, I don't know hymns, so I may have screwed up a couple words):

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning my songs rise to thee
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Now for the interesting part. You notice at the end there, where it says, "Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me"? I keep accidentally switching up some pronouns and singing, "Great is MY faithfulness, Lord, unto THEE." That is so, so wrong. I am not all that faithful, actually. Lord knows how fickle I am when it comes to following his path. Yet he remains faithful to me regardless. Isn't that amazing?

Finals Week

2011-12-13T12:21:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAHHH

AAAAHHHHH

AAAAHHHHH

The above^ could either be Messiah's midnight scream tradition, or how I feel right now. SO MUCH STUFF TO DO!! I do not study. I am not a studious child. I was the child who could do "complex" sixth grade math problems in her head and knew the answers because she could literally reread the textbook in her head (where, oh where, has my photgraphic memory gone?) and broke the curve on all the tests in middle school. I was that kid everyone hated. Now I have no idea how to cope with this whole college/studying thing. College is HARD! Fun, but hard. I'm actually doing okay on finals, but that last one (bio) nearly killed me. I spent at least 45 minutes of the exam period erasing, rewriting, and erasing my answers to the heart diagram labelling and flow chart thingy. But I did well on my Islam exam this morning, and I'm not too concerned about my history final this afternoon. Following that (and hopefully a small nap), I've got to work on my final paper for FYS (first year seminar) that's due tomorrow. But THEN, after all that, I get to go home tomorrow! Yay!

Rather than studying, all I really want to do right now is play The World Ends With You (an awesome DS game my roommate Kaitlyn lent to me) and write. Oh, my goodness. There are just so many words! I don't really have time for serious writing, of course, but I've been drafting some things and playing with ideas in my head. (Maybe that's why it's been taking me upwards of three hours to fall asleep...) Last week, I was reading about Sylvia Plath (long story of Wikipedia link-following), and I tried to write a poem about her. Instead, I wrote about her husband:

Ted

Everything you did

you did

for yourself

and oh, the devastation

in your wake!

a wife, a

lover,

a child – dead

and a gravestone

often

defaced.

Baby Dreams!

2011-12-13T10:02:00.001-05:00

I dreamed last night that I had a baby. Not exactly an unusual dream for someone whose primary goal in life is to be a mother. What was remarkable about it was the detail in my baby’s face. She (I think the baby was a she) had the most gorgeous blue-green-gray eyes that lit up whenever she looked at me. She had fine, perfectly straight, dark brown hair, and her slightly chubby cheeks accented a very round face. There was just a tiny bit of baby acne sprinkled across her forehead, but other than that, her skin was flawless - slightly darker than mine and flushed. She was beautiful.

Dear God

2011-12-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

For my Islam class, I've been praying according to salat (the Muslim prayer routines) for the past two days, and it's been reminding me to pray more frequently. I've been praying about a lot of things for me (especially guidance and getting to know my Lord better), but mostly I'm praying for people right now.

My friend K, who is going through a lot right now. Even though he's my age, he's been living alone for almost a year, and he just lost his job. He's also struggling with drugs and depression.
My friend R... not really sure what she needs right now, but she's been on my mind a lot.
A girl on my floor, M, who's got a lot of family drama and sickness.
My grandmother, who just got out of the hospital after having a stroke.
My sister, who is applying for college.
My friend J, who is going through a huge battle with depression and trying to figure out where she wants to go to college.
My roommates, who are stressed and sick with finals coming up next week.
My other grandmother... mostly that I will learn to forgive her for all she's done to my family, but also that she feels God's presence as she grieves her husband
My cousin A, who is going through a rough period with her living situation and feeling tempted to go back to drugs.
My friend S, who just had a beautiful baby girl.
All the moms in the world who are dealing with an unwanted/complicated pregnancy and considering abortion.
The parents of the little frozen embryos that I want to adopt someday.

What/who are you praying for right now?

Pretty Girl

2011-12-05T15:37:00.000-05:00

Pretty girl, pretty girl

With the zip-up smile

Won’t you sit and

Talk awhile?

Pretty girl, pretty girl

I see your pain

It’s written on your face

And your arms so plain

Pretty girl, pretty girl

With too much makeup

Who’s the source of the bitterness

In your cup?

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Stands on the scale

If your worth is just a number

Then won’t you always fail?

Pretty girl, pretty girl

She loves to sing

Wouldn’t you agree

Life’s an amazing thing?

Pretty girl, pretty girl

With the trembling voice

Won’t you one day see

You are more than a toy?

***

For K.R.M.

Healthy Habits

2011-11-30T20:21:00.000-05:00

I have so much work to do right now. It's the second-to-last week before finals, meaning SOOOO many projects are due! Today, I put the finishing touches on a presentation about Islam in France; made a 30-second animation (which takes WAY longer than 30 seconds to make!) of a cat and crab discussing pie; and now, I'm working on my final paper for first-year seminar! The title is Faith versus Fashion: A Christian Response to the Degradation and Secularization of the Cross. A bit stuffy, no? But I like it anyway. The thesis and focus of the paper just came to me today, and I need to do some more research now, but at least I know where I'm going with it.

ANYWAY, all that to say, I've been working all day and I'm really stressed. As I was reading the chapter on gender for discussion in Islam class tomorrow, I noticed my eyes hurt. A lot! But what was I supposed to do? All of my work involved either a book or the computer, both of which would hurt my eyes more; and even fun break time stuff would do the same. Then I thought about how I'm trying to be healthier, and I decided to take a quick walk. I walked around campus for a while, writing in my head and pondering some stuff, and talking to God. I tried to empty my mind to pray properly and listen for some answers to some things I needed to ask about, but of course that didn't work very well. (This is a spiritual discipline I really suck at, the whole waiting-and-listening thing.)

Still, I'm proud of myself. Since I came back from Thanksgiving break (so, three days now? lol), I've been TRYING to eat healthier - replacing a lot of the fried crap I usually eat with veggies, and cutting back on candy and desserts. It's not so much an appearance thing - although at 30 pounds overweight, I think it's time for a change in that department - but more of a health thing. Long ago, I wrote a list of promises to my future children. One of them was that I would work at being healthy so that I would be around a long time with them. I also need to respect my body as God's creation (body as a temple and all that schnazz).

Need Your Help!

2011-11-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

I'm doing a research project for my first-year seminar on how the symbolism of the cross is changing and becoming "de-Christianized" and stuff. So, for the sake of research: What does the cross mean to you? Leave it in the comments! Let's avoid sentimental "perfect person" answers here, unless that's really what you think - again, I'm trying to get a variety of perspectives for my project! Thanks so much!

Homesick

2011-11-14T11:51:00.000-05:00

I don't really miss being home all that much. I mean, I miss my cats and all, and my family definitely. Well, most of the time. And I miss school sometimes in the sense that it was so structured, and when I got home, I was done. In college, you're always in school, kind of, so it's hard to not feel guilty about not using your free time for homework. But I don't miss home per se. I don't miss my house or sleeping in my own bed (though I do miss my shower!). I don't miss having a room to myself; in fact, the two times I've been home since I started college, I was so freaked out by sleeping alone that I had a hard time sleeping. (That sounds creepy, doesn't it? Sigh.)

I do miss my family - like CRAZY. Especially my sister, Abby. I love my roommates, Megan and Kaitlyn, and I love my floormates, but it's not the same as being able to run down the hall and fangirl with Abby over Doctor Who, or fight about stupid stuff (that's right - I even miss our fights!), or just laugh over nothing at all. I miss my friends, too. I have a great group of friends here, but that doesn't mean that I want to leave behind my friends from before. It's hard, especially for the Book Black Market, because we've all got our own new lives that we're trying to build, and keeping in touch with people from our old lives isn't exactly a number-one priority right now.

I guess I'm more homesick for people... if that makes sense at all. What do you guys think? What does being homesick mean to you?

Honoring Him in Everything

2011-11-07T12:33:00.003-05:00

Lord, I give this test over to you. Father, I give you the glory for this and everything else in my life. If I take it with the intent to seek glory for my own name and not yours, let me fail the test. Teach me humility by whatever means necessary. If I should remember to make this examination into an act of worship to you, however, I humbly request that you would aid my memory so that I would have clear recall of all that I have studied. Help me to use the mind with which you’ve gifted me for the sake of your glory. Amen.